It turned out to be a busy day today. Between presentations, swing dance and course work I am finding myself cheating yet again. I’ll try not to fall back too often on my nostalgic times in France, but here is one of my clandestine cooking experiences.
Hi everyone and welcome to Clandestine Cooking with Kevin. Today we will be going over the basics for all those first time clandestine cookers out there. The first thing you want to do is check your lease and make sure you are not allowed to cook in you room at residence, after all it’s not clandestine if you’re allowed to do it right? Let’s have a quick look shall we…yep there it is, plain as day “cooking is strictly forbidden in the rooms”.
The next thing you will want to do is look for that little loop hole just in case, let’s read on: “It is forbidden to introduce such electrical appliances into the room such as hotplates, microwaves, radiators, stoves, etcetera.” I don’t know about you but I have never heard of an electrical etcetera before ha, ha, ha! Ok, we seem to be in luck, they have forgotten to mention the clandestine cooker’s best friend: the electric kettle, or as I like to call it my “humidifier”. After all these dorm rooms get to be rather dry (wink, wink). Feel free to pick one up at your local appliance store or have a friend lend you one of the four they have lying around their house. This, combined with your industrial sized steal thermos, will be the central point for all your meals, so treat it them respect. This means hiding them as soon as cooking is done, preferably in a location that is supper inconvenient for even you to get to (undoubtedly forcing you to eat out instead just for ease of effort). Now on to the next step: shopping.
This can be daunting at first when you realize that you have no fridge to store anything in. Just follow these few tips and you should come out ok. First don’t buy too much; you can always go back for more if you run out (except for Sundays of coarse, where even the churches close for the day). Second go for non-perishables and dry goods like rice, macaroni, soup in a cup, cardboard, stale bread etc. When it comes to things like meats buy salamis or you can go straight to the source and buy a cow or a pig. Simply stake it in the inner courtyard and use a “carve as you need” mentality. If you opt for the cow you can even make cheese from the milk, only remember to thoroughly seal it in wax (you might be abroad to see a new culture, but you don’t want it growing in your dresser).
Now onto the fun part: cooking. Get your kettle going and put a cup of soup in your one and only slightly oversized mug and a few handfuls of macaroni into your thermos. Once the water boils fill you mug and thermos, then enjoy your soup while the macaroni cooks.
Now I know what you are thinking, Kevin how am I supposed to strain my macaroni without a strainer? My friend that is the joy of a thermos, most have a spout that lets liquids out and keeps solids in! Once you’ve done this, poor your noodles (providing they aren’t cooked to the inside of your thermos rendering it useless even for tea the next day) into your one and only slightly oversized mug, add lots of wax and very little cheese and what ever cut of meat you managed to get without getting kicked in the head or head butted. Voila! A meal fit for a king! Follow with tea (providing your kettle hasn’t shorted out for some unknown reason…I knew “free” was too good to be true) and cookies for dessert.
Well that’s all the time we have for today folks, thanks for tuning in. Please make sure you tune in next time where I will be showing how to cook a Christmas turkey with tinfoil, a radiator and two double A batteries (apple flavoured of coarse).